12.15.08

Our sweetly remembered exchanges blanketed by thick and heavy intoxication,

details blurred at the edges.
I was magnetized to you with a pull so strong and inexplicable,

I crumbled at any sign of effort from you.

All our interactions tipsied by the prefacing wild night,

making something out of nothing at all.

What was I so infatuated by when I didn't even have a handful of your real soul to hold on to?

Fabricated ideas of you filled the gaping holes your outspoken humor shoddily tried to caulk.
I was chasing you with such stamina when all you wanted to do was hide.

Even without knowing you I couldn't help but want to be near you.

The night that I will never forget,

the night that I still swear magic played some part in,

is a little charm I hold deep in the soul of my pocket.
I don't remember a single conversation from that star-filled darkness,

but instead the electricity that ran through our bones and sparked between our lips...

The uncontrollable violent laughter that nearly knocked me off the quiet sleeping metal dinosaurs we climbed in the middle of all the construction...

the silence that we peacefully floated in,

breathing in the damp warm summer laying with our limbs in a circle...

I inhaled your exhale dreading the moment when life would disrupt the perfection of this dream.

Thinking if I held on tight enough,

kissed you long enough,

I could postpone morning.

As morning came as it always does, we played our game a little longer.

I still never knew how you felt about anything.

Whether you thought of me with a smile and maybe half the kindness my thoughts held,

or as simply a lovely meaningless distraction.

I eventually grew weary and defeated and did what I could only imagine you had been hoping for...

I pretended to move on.

I did everything in my power to pretend so hard it eventually transformed into a bitter and angry reality.

As time passed, she did as she usually does and laid her healing hands on my wounds.

Fate chuckled as she put you back in my life...

though this time, forcefully platonic with distance as a reinforcement.

Slowly layers of you peel away, seductively revealing bits of your core.

Instead of disappointing me, you measure up against my crafted fabrications,

you prove you are better than I ever remembered.

That I wasn't addicted to you simply because you were out of reach,

but the quality of your substance merited my desire.

flaws stroked with heavy hands still blare in deep dark ink which keep me from revisiting the pain of butterflies flapping so hard with paper thin glass wings,
but at least now I can see beauty in the mess and slide rose-colored lenses over my 20/20 hindsight.

[Rothko No. 14 (my fav. painting)]